Needing Love Isn’t Needy: Reframing the Shame Around Emotional Connection | Marriage Counseling NJ | Couples Therapy Montclair NJ

Marriage Counseling NJ | Couples Therapy in Montclair

Image of an emotionally dismissive and distant woman| Prior to Couples Counseling NJ| Stevette Heyliger, LPC

One of the most common themes I see in my therapy office, whether I’m working with couples in crisis or just trying to help them deepen their bond, is the quiet shame people carry around having emotional needs.

It usually shows up in subtle ways:

“I don't need you, I can do bad all by myself.”
“I don’t even know why I’m feelin’ like this... I should be stronger than that.”
“Maybe I’m being too sensitive, .. just trippin’ over nothin’.”

And it breaks my heart every time.

We live in a culture that tends to glorify independence and emotional self-sufficiency. So it’s not surprising, then, that many people, even in loving relationships, feel ashamed of their need for closeness, comfort, and reassurance.

But here’s the truth: Needing love is not needy. It’s human.

Let’s talk about why emotional needs are not only normal, but essential, and how embracing them can help couples move from disconnection back into intimacy.

Why We Feel Ashamed of Our Needs

Many of us grew up hearing messages like “don’t be so emotional,” “pull yourself together,” or “you’ve got to take care of yourself.” Whether it was said directly or implied, we learned to quiet our feelings and “not rely on anyone too much.”

So, as adults, when we find ourselves longing to be held, to hear “I love you,” or to feel like we truly matter to our partner, it can stir up discomfort. We second-guess ourselves. We tell ourselves we’re too much.

In my couples therapy work in Montclair, I often see one partner hesitating to express their hurt or needs for fear they’ll be dismissed or judged. Meanwhile, the other partner may be so afraid of failing or being overwhelmed that they shut down emotionally.

These patterns, one reaching, the other pulling away, are incredibly common. And they're not signs of a broken relationship. They're signs that the bond needs care and attention.

The Science Behind the Need for Connection

As a therapist who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I often share the science behind emotional connection. It’s rooted in attachment theory, which originally focused on the bonds between infants and caregivers, but it applies just as much to romantic relationships.

We’re wired for connection. Our brains and bodies are designed to thrive when we feel emotionally safe with another person.

In fact, studies show that adults in secure, emotionally connected relationships tend to experience better mental and physical health, lower stress, and greater resilience. (Source: Columbia Psychiatry)

When our partner feels distant or unresponsive, it doesn’t just hurt; it can feel like an alarm going off inside. That’s not “neediness.” That’s our nervous system reacting to a perceived threat to the bond.

What Emotional Needs Look Like in Real Life

Here’s a real example from my practice (names and details changed for privacy):

Image of a couple in distress| longing for connection and before Marriage Counseling in NJ| Stevette Heyliger, LPC

Melissa and Calvin came to therapy after years of feeling stuck in the same cycle. Melissa would often ask Calvin questions like, “Do you even love me anymore?” or “Why don’t you want to spend time with me?” Calvin, feeling attacked and confused, would pull away or distract himself by diving into work or spending more time with the guys.

On the surface, it looked like Melissa was “too needy” and Calvin was “cold.” But when we slowed things down in session, we uncovered the deeper truth.

Melissa wasn’t being dramatic. She was scared. She needed reassurance that she still mattered, that she was loved. Her questions were actually protests of disconnection. And Calvin? He wasn't indifferent. He was overwhelmed, unsure how to respond without feeling like he was failing.

Through Marriage Counseling in NJ, they learned how to name these deeper feelings and needs without shame or blame. Melissa began to say, “When we don’t talk much, I start feeling unimportant. Can you just tell me we’re okay?” Calvin learned how to respond with care instead of defensiveness.

And over time, their cycle shifted, from reactivity to responsiveness.

“It Feels So Good to Be Loved So Bad”

The Manhattans, a legendary R&B group known for their heartfelt harmonies and soul-deep ballads, captured something timeless in their 1977 classic “It Feels So Good to Be Loved So Bad.” With lines like “Needing you is always on my mind” and “It feels so good to be loved so bad,” the song speaks to the tender vulnerability so many couples feel but struggle to name.

Those lyrics echo the emotional heart of what many partners long for: to feel wanted, chosen, and deeply loved, even when things are complicated. They remind us that love isn’t always neat or easy. Sometimes it aches. But that ache? That longing? It’s not a flaw. It’s a signal from your heart that love matters.

In couples therapy, especially through the lens of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we honor that kind of yearning. Because naming our emotional needs, rather than judging or hiding them, is often the first step toward healing. When partners can recognize that longing for connection is deeply human, they can begin to show up for each other with more empathy, softness, and truth.

You’re Allowed to Need Love

Here’s something I say often in sessions: You are not too much. You are not too sensitive. You’re allowed to want to be chosen, to be prioritized, to feel close.

Wanting closeness doesn’t mean you’re “clingy.” Asking for reassurance doesn’t mean you’re insecure. Feeling hurt when your partner shuts down doesn’t make you broken.

It makes you human.

And when we stop shaming ourselves and each other for needing love, we make space for real connection.

What Healthy Emotional Need Can Sound Like

If expressing need feels unfamiliar or scary, here are some examples of what it can sound like in a healthy, grounded relationship:

Image of a couple bonding emotionally and feeling close and connected | After attending Marriage Counseling in NJ | with Stevette Heyliger, LPC

• “I’ve been feeling a little distant from you lately, and I miss us. Can we spend some time together tonight?”

• “When you pull away after an argument, I feel really anxious. I need to know we’re still okay.”

• “It would mean a lot if you could tell me you love me more often, it helps me feel close to you.”

These aren’t manipulations. They’re honest expressions of vulnerability and trust. And when partners learn how to respond to these needs instead of shutting down or getting defensive, the whole dynamic of the relationship can shift.

Rewriting the Old Script

Let’s try reframing some common, shame-laced thoughts:

• Old Belief: “I shouldn’t need anyone this much.”
  New Belief: “It’s okay to need emotional connection. It makes relationships strong.”

• Old Belief: “I’m just too sensitive.”
  New Belief: “My sensitivity is part of what makes me attuned and loving.”

• Old Belief: “Asking for reassurance makes me weak.”
  New Belief: “It takes courage to ask for what I need.”

Getting Unstuck Together

If you and your partner feel stuck in cycles of disconnection or misunderstanding, you’re not alone. These patterns are so common, and also so changeable with the right kind of support.

Whether you’re navigating long-standing conflict or just feeling more like roommates than partners, Couples Counseling in NJ can help you find your way back to each other. Through Emotionally Focused Therapy, we’ll work together to uncover what’s really happening beneath the surface and build new patterns of emotional safety and responsiveness.

You Deserve a Relationship Where Love Feels Safe

If this post resonates with you, maybe it’s time to ask yourself: What have I believed about my emotional needs? And what might change if I gave myself permission to want love, closeness, and reassurance without shame?

You deserve to feel safe in love. You deserve to be heard, held, and understood.

And if you’re ready to explore how therapy can help, I’d be honored to walk with you.

Learn more about my Marriage Counseling services in NJ, or reach out for a consultation. You’re not too much, and you don’t have to figure this out alone.

Image of a compassionate Couples Therapist in Montclair, NJ | Offering Marriage Counseling in NJ| Stevette Heyliger, LPC

Stevette Heyliger, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Montclair, NJ, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals. Deeply committed to helping people heal disconnection and build emotionally safe, loving relationships, Stevette supports clients in breaking painful cycles, repairing trust, and fostering secure emotional bonds.

In addition to weekly couples therapy sessions in NJ, Stevette offers 3-day private Couples Intensives—a focused, in-depth experience for partners who want to dive deeper, faster. These intensives are ideal for couples in crisis, those with limited time for weekly sessions, or anyone seeking a meaningful relationship reset.

Whether you're seeking couples therapy in Montclair or virtual therapy anywhere in New Jersey, Stevette provides a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where both partners can feel seen and supported. She is also a founding member of the Caribbean EFT Community, working to expand access to EFT throughout the Caribbean.