The Art of Being With: Why Emotional Presence Changes Everything advice from a Marriage Counselor in NJ
Marriage Counseling NJ | Couples Therapy in Montclair
Have you ever found yourself shutting down in the middle of a disagreement or saying, "I'm fine," when you knew deep down you weren’t? If so, you're not alone. Many of us were taught to power through our emotions or pretend they didn't exist—especially in relationships where vulnerability feels risky. But what I’ve come to know, both personally and in my work offering marriage counseling in NJ, is this: we can't truly connect with our partners unless we're willing to be present with ourselves first.
Emotional presence—the ability to stay with your own feelings without numbing, escaping, or blaming—is one of the most transformative practices in relationships. It's not about having the right words; it's about creating the right space.
Learning to Be With Ourselves First
Early in my journey, I realized how often I avoided uncomfortable feelings. I grew up learning to keep it together, to be strong, and to take care of others before tending to myself. I know many of you can relate. As I began to explore my emotional world more deeply, I noticed that the more I allowed myself to feel—to really sit with my sadness, my joy, my fear-the more connected I felt to myself. And the more I could show up authentically in my closest relationships.
This same pattern shows up in couples I work with in my couples therapy practice in Montclair, NJ. One partner might be overwhelmed and desperate to connect, while the other withdraws, not because they don't care, but because they feel flooded by emotions they don't yet know how to name or manage. Emotional presence is what begins to shift that cycle.
Emotionally present couple | After Couples Counseling in NJ | Stevette Heyliger, LPC
Why Emotional Presence Matters
When you are emotionally present with yourself, you begin to:
Recognize your true needs instead of acting them out through blame or silence.
Reduce reactivity, making it easier to stay grounded in difficult conversations.
Model vulnerability, inviting your partner to show up more authentically, too.
Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), says, "The strongest among us are those who can reach for others and say, 'I need you.'" But we can only reach in this way when we know what we feel. Presence is the bridge between emotional awareness and emotional expression.
Being Present Doesn’t Mean Staying Calm All the Time
Let me be clear: emotional presence isn't about perfection. You will still get upset, triggered, and overwhelmed. But instead of turning away from yourself in those moments, you learn to turn toward. You learn to say, "This is hard. I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel angry." You learn to stay with your body instead of escaping into distraction or shutting down.
And over time, your nervous system begins to trust that it's safe to feel.
Creating Emotional Safety for Your Partner
Image of a couple in emotionally safe space | Safety developed in Marriage counseling NJ | Stevette Heyliger, LPC
Once you begin practicing emotional presence for yourself, something beautiful happens: you create more space for your partner’s experience, too. You're no longer trying to fix them or make their emotions go away. You can simply sit with them and say, "I'm here. I see you."
This is the heart of secure connection, not solving everything, but being with each other in the hard moments.
In session, I often witness the shift that happens when one partner stops trying to analyze or defend, and instead says something like, "I didn't realize how lonely you've felt. That must be so painful. I'm sorry I missed it." It's rarely easy, but it's always powerful.
The Science Behind Being With
There is fascinating research on the benefits of naming and feeling emotions. Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman found that labeling emotions reduces activity in the amygdala (the fear center of the brain) and increases activity in the prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for rational thinking and empathy. (Source)
In other words, when we name our feelings, we regulate them. We become more present, more grounded, more capable of connection.
Dr. Sue Johnson also reminds us: "When we deny our emotions, we lose access to the wisdom they hold."
Emotionally reflective woman tuning into emotions | Marriage counseling NJ | Stevette Heyliger, LPC
A Practice: How to Be With Yourself
If this is new to you, here are a few ways to start practicing emotional presence:
Pause and Breathe: When something stirs in you, take a breath. Ask yourself, What am I feeling right now?
Name It Without Judgment: Try to put words to the feeling. Sad. Hurt. Anxious. Tender. Longing.
Let It Be There: No need to fix or explain it. Let it move through you.
Share It Gently: When you're ready, bring it into your relationship. "I’ve been feeling a little disconnected and I think it's because I've been scared to say how much I miss you."
These small moments of presence add up. They soften defenses. They rebuild trust.
My Work With Couples
In my couples therapy work in Montclair, NJ, I see how emotional presence begins to transform even the most stuck dynamics. When couples learn to slow down and stay with their feelings, rather than jumping into problem-solving or shutting down, a new kind of connection opens up. They begin to see each other not as the enemy, but as two hurting people longing to feel safe and seen.
Sometimes all it takes is one partner saying, "I didn’t realize how much I was numbing. I want to be more present with you, and with myself." That awareness alone can begin a powerful healing process.
You Are Worth Staying With
This is the deeper truth: emotional presence isn’t just for the sake of your partner. It’s for you. It’s how you learn to befriend yourself, to stay with your own heart, especially when it hurts.
If you've never had someone model this for you, know that it can be learned. It's a practice. A muscle. And every time you choose to stay rather than escape, you build trust with yourself.
You are worthy of being felt. Of being known. Of being with.
And the more you learn to be with yourself, the more capacity you have to be with others—in love, in conflict, and in the beautiful mess of being human together.
Are you and your partner ready to explore emotional presence together?
If you’re feeling disconnected and want to rebuild emotional safety and intimacy, I invite you to learn more about marriage counseling in NJ. Whether you're navigating recurring arguments or longing to feel close again, I offer a supportive, attachment-based approach to help you reconnect.
Take the next step toward feeling more seen, heard, and understood in your relationship. Reach out today to schedule a consultation or discover how couples therapy in Montclair, NJ, can help you on your journey toward deeper emotional intimacy.
Emotional presence is not just a therapy tool. It’s a way of life—and a pathway back to love.
"The risk of staying emotionally open is the risk of love itself." —Dr. Sue Johnson
Image of therapist providing compassionate therapy | Marriage Counseling NJ | Stevette Heyliger, LPC
Stevette Heyliger, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Montclair, NJ, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals. Deeply committed to helping people heal disconnection and build emotionally safe, loving relationships, Stevette supports clients in breaking painful cycles, repairing trust, and fostering secure emotional bonds.
In addition to weekly couples therapy sessions in NJ, Stevette offers 3-day private Couples Intensives—a focused, in-depth experience for partners who want to dive deeper, faster. These intensives are ideal for couples in crisis, those with limited time for weekly sessions, or anyone seeking a meaningful relationship reset.
Whether you're seeking couples therapy in Montclair or virtual therapy anywhere in New Jersey, Stevette provides a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where both partners can feel seen and supported. She is also a founding member of the Caribbean EFT Community, working to expand access to EFT throughout the Caribbean.