Can We Be Soft With Each Other? Unlearning Emotional Guarding in Relationships | Marriage Counseling NJ | Couples Therapy Montclair NJ

Marriage Counseling NJ | Couples Therapy in Montclair

When was the last time you let your guard down with your partner?

Not just physically, but emotionally. When was the last time you said, "I'm scared," "I need you," or "That hurt me"?

For many of us, especially those raised in communities where emotional expression was discouraged, softness feels dangerous.

I see this every day in Couples Counseling in NJ. Couples who love each other deeply but feel miles apart. Couples who want to connect but keep slipping into silence, sarcasm, shutdown, or criticism. The desire is there. The safety isn't.

The Risk of Softening: What Are We Protecting Ourselves From?

Image of strong protected Black woman|Prior to vulnerable moments in Couples Counseling NJ

So many of us were raised with the message: Don’t let anyone see your weakness.

Whether it was cultural, racial, or generational, the lesson was clear: vulnerability equals risk. Risk of being hurt. Risk of being seen as soft. Risk of being rejected, mocked, or dismissed.

But in love, that armor doesn’t serve us.

In his book Emotionally Focused Therapy with African American Couples, Dr. Paul T. Guillory writes:

"Attachment injuries are not just personal, they are historical and cultural. To repair them, we must validate the context in which they developed."

Our relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. If your partner struggles to open up, it’s not because they’re broken. It may be because they learned to guard their heart to survive.

Cultural Strength vs. Emotional Accessibility

We often confuse emotional suppression with emotional strength. And in many Black, Caribbean, and immigrant families, this makes sense.

Strength was about surviving. Not falling apart. Not letting your business out in the open.

But what if we could reframe strength?

What if strength is also the courage to say: "I miss you." "I want to be close again." "I'm afraid you don’t love me anymore."

In Marriage Counseling in NJ, I help couples make room for both cultural pride and emotional accessibility. You don’t have to give up who you are to love more openly.

I often work with couples where one or both partners were raised in homes where crying was punished, vulnerability was ridiculed, and emotional expression was viewed as weakness. These partners learned to shut down as a survival response. Now, in their adult relationships, they long for closeness but feel unsure how to reach for it.

Others have shared the pain of always feeling like they’re the one doing the emotional work, chasing connection while their partner remains distant. In therapy, we explore how these patterns were shaped by early experiences, and how the very strategies that once protected them are now blocking intimacy. EFT provides couples with a new framework to reconnect—not by forcing change, but by creating a sense of safety.

“You’re Too Sensitive” and Other Wounds That Shut Us Down

Image of emotionally shut down male| prior to support in Couples Counseling NJ| with Stevette Heyliger LPC

So many of us carry relational wounds from childhood and past relationships. Maybe you heard:

• "Stop crying."

• "You’re too much."

• "Man up."

These phrases teach us to dismiss our feelings, and later, our partner’s.

In Couples Counseling in NJ, I help partners recognize how these early messages continue to show up in conflict. The more we suppress emotions, the more they tend to manifest in anger, withdrawal, or defensiveness.

The Power of Gentle Curiosity

One of the most powerful tools you can bring into your relationship is gentle curiosity.

Instead of reacting, try pausing and asking:

• "What happened just now that made you shut down?"

• "Can you tell me what you're feeling underneath the anger?"

• "What are you needing from me in this moment?"

This is the essence of Emotionally Focused Therapy: creating space for new, safer emotional experiences together.

How EFT Supports Vulnerability Without Shame

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) provides a roadmap for couples to:

• Understand their reactive patterns

• Explore the fears that drive them

• Express deeper needs for love, comfort, and reassurance

Yamante J. Cooper, in his book, ‘Black Men and Racial Trauma,” puts it beautifully:

“When we invite Black men to feel, we must first make space for their pain—and the systems that taught them to hide it.”

Image of Black Couple risking vulnerability|After Marriage counseling NJ|with Stevette Heyliger LPC

In Couples Counseling in NJ, I create that space with cultural sensitivity, compassion, and care.

For more about EFT’s foundations, visit ICEEFT: What is EFT? or explore this APA overview on attachment theory to understand better why secure emotional bonds are so critical in adult relationships.

Breaking the Cycle Without Breaking Ourselves

Healing doesn’t mean becoming someone else. It means becoming more whole.

You don’t have to break your strength to soften. You just have to make room for both.

If you and your partner are longing to feel close again, to speak a new emotional language together, Marriage Counseling in NJ using EFT might be your next step.

We don’t have to stay guarded forever. We can choose softness. Together.

Ready to take the next step? If this message resonates with you and you're ready to create a deeper, more connected relationship, I invite you to schedule a 15-minute consultation with me. Let's explore how Emotionally Focused Therapy can help you and your partner reconnect in a way that feels safe, supportive, and real. Click here to schedule an appointment.

Stevette Heyliger, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Montclair, NJ, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals. Deeply committed to helping people heal disconnection and build emotionally safe, loving relationships, Stevette supports clients in breaking painful cycles, repairing trust, and fostering secure emotional bonds.

In addition to weekly couples therapy sessions in NJ, Stevette offers 3 day private Couples Intensives—a focused, in-depth experience for partners who want to dive deeper, faster. These intensives are ideal for couples in crisis, those with limited time for weekly sessions, or anyone seeking a meaningful relationship reset.

Whether you're seeking couples therapy in Montclair or virtual therapy anywhere in New Jersey, Stevette provides a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where both partners can feel seen and supported. She is also a founding member of the Caribbean EFT Community, working to expand access to EFT throughout the Caribbean.