Love on Empty: When Your Relationship Depletes Your Well-Being | Marriage Counseling NJ | Couples Therapy Montclair NJ
Marriage Counseling NJ | Couples Therapy in Montclair
If you’ve been feeling emotionally depleted, anxious, or numb—and you’re also navigating tension or distance in your relationship—those things may be more connected than you realize.
During Mental Health Awareness Month, we often focus on individual symptoms of distress like depression or burnout. But what’s often missing from the conversation is how relational stress deeply impacts mental health.
You're not alone if you're in a struggling relationship and feel overwhelmed or emotionally exhausted. In my work offering Couples Counseling NJ, I regularly meet people who come in feeling confused about why they're so mentally drained, only to discover that the chronic stress of emotional disconnection is playing a significant role.
Relationships and Mental Health: The Overlooked Connection
Image of fist breaking glass |representing the irritability and stress couples feel prior to therapy| Couples Counseling NJ
Close relationships are foundational to our well-being. Decades of research in attachment theory and emotional health confirm that when our primary relationships feel secure and supportive, we’re more resilient to stress. But when those connections feel distant, critical, or emotionally unpredictable, it can lead to serious emotional distress.
According to the American Psychological Association, marital conflict is associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and even physical health problems like chronic pain and cardiovascular issues (APA, 2014).
And yet, many people don’t identify their mental health concerns as relationship-related. They may come in describing:
Constant irritability or sadness
Feeling emotionally numb or “checked out”
Low motivation and energy
Poor sleep or chronic stress
A sense of walking on eggshells at home
These symptoms are real, and they deserve attention—but the relational root of them is often hidden or minimized.
Common Patterns That Drain Emotional and Mental Energy
In my therapy practice in Montclair, NJ, I frequently support couples who are stuck in cycles that quietly wear down their emotional well-being. Here are a few of the patterns I see most often:
1. High-Conflict, Low-Repair
Arguments become frequent, but resolutions are rare. After a while, partners feel like they’re saying the same things without being heard. This activates the nervous system’s stress response, leading to constant emotional tension, poor sleep, and difficulty relaxing—even outside the relationship.
2. Loneliness in the Relationship
Many people feel lonely even when they’re not alone. You may share a home, meals, or a calendar, but still feel emotionally invisible. This emotional loneliness is a major contributor to depressive symptoms and loss of self.
3. Emotional Shutdown
Some partners cope by withdrawing. The emotional labor of trying, when it feels like nothing changes, can lead to shutting down, feeling hopeless, or questioning whether the relationship can survive. This internal numbing often mimics clinical depression.
4. Uncertainty and Anxiety
Insecure emotional bonds can trigger chronic anxiety. If you never know how a conversation will go—or fear being misunderstood, dismissed, or rejected—you’re likely in a state of hypervigilance, which keeps your nervous system on edge.
These patterns aren’t signs of weakness. They are protective responses to emotional disconnection and reversible with the right kind of support.
Why Relationship Distress Hurts So Much: A Neuroscience Lens
From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, these reactions make sense. EFT is grounded in attachment science, which teaches us that our closest relationships regulate our emotional world. When those bonds feel threatened or unreliable, our brain interprets it as danger.
In fact, MRI studies have shown that emotional rejection activates the same brain areas as physical pain (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004). That’s how real this is.
When your partner feels emotionally out of reach, the nervous system reacts as if you’re in a survival situation. This is why clients often describe feeling:
“Tired all the time, even though I’m doing less.”
“Like I’m invisible, even when we’re in the same room.”
“Like I’m failing, no matter what I do.”
These are mental health experiences—but they stem from emotional disconnection.
Therapy That Targets the Root: How Couples Counseling Can Help
Couples therapy isn’t just about conflict management—it’s about restoring emotional safety. That’s the heart of what I do as a relationship therapist in Montclair NJ.
Through Emotionally Focused Therapy, I help couples:
Identify the reactive cycles that keep them stuck
Understand the deeper emotional needs and fears driving those reactions
Rebuild a secure connection through vulnerability, not blame
Restore emotional responsiveness, empathy, and trust
When emotional safety is rebuilt, individual symptoms like anxiety, depression, and irritability often improve, sometimes significantly.
This is why I see Couples Counseling as a powerful mental health intervention, not just a last resort for relationships in crisis.
If you’d like to explore how this process works, I invite you to learn more about my Couples Counseling in NJ or schedule a consultation here.
What You Can Do If You Feel Mentally Drained by Your Relationship
You don’t have to wait for a breaking point to seek clarity or support. Here are a few thoughtful steps you can take today:
Image of Black Couple sitting on a bench| Feeling connected after Marriage Counseling in NJ| Stevette Heyliger LPC
1. Acknowledge What You’re Feeling
If you’ve been minimizing or intellectualizing your distress, try pausing to notice: How does this relationship dynamic actually feel in my body? Tense? Heavy? Depleted? Naming the emotional impact is a crucial step toward healing.
2. Break the Blame Cycle
When relationships are hurting, it’s easy to blame or retreat. But the more useful question is: What’s happening between us that keeps triggering this pain? Focusing on the cycle, not the person, can open space for change.
3. Reach Out for Professional Support
Whether you begin with individual work or Marriage Counseling in NJ, a skilled therapist can help you understand what’s happening and how to move forward with clarity, compassion, and purpose.
Mental Health Awareness Starts at Home
This Mental Health Awareness Month, I encourage you to consider not only your inner world but also the emotional climate of your most important relationship.
If you're feeling emotionally drained, disconnected, or confused by how your relationship is affecting you, know this:
You’re not broken. You’re responding to a bond that doesn’t feel safe.
And with the right tools, that bond can be repaired.
Additional Resources:
NAMI: Families, Partners & Caregivers
Emotionally Focused Therapy Research Overview
Ready to Reconnect?
If you’re curious about how couples therapy might help you feel more emotionally grounded and connected, I’d love to talk.
Visit my Couples Counseling page to learn more or reach out to schedule a consultation. You deserve a relationship that supports your mental health, not one that quietly erodes it.
Image of compassionate Therapist|Offering Marriage Counseling in NJ| Stevette Heyliger LPC
Stevette Heyliger, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Montclair, NJ, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals. Deeply committed to helping people heal disconnection and build emotionally safe, loving relationships, Stevette supports clients in breaking painful cycles, repairing trust, and fostering secure emotional bonds.
In addition to weekly therapy sessions, Stevette offers 3-day private Couples Intensives—a focused, in-depth experience for partners who want to dive deeper, faster. These intensives are ideal for couples in crisis, those with limited time for weekly sessions, or anyone seeking a meaningful relationship reset.
Whether you're seeking Marriage Counseling in NJ or virtual therapy anywhere in New Jersey, Stevette provides a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where both partners can feel seen and supported. She is also a founding member of the Caribbean EFT Community, working to expand access to EFT throughout the Caribbean.
You can learn more about her services or schedule a complimentary consultation here.