You’re Not Crazy—You’re Disconnected: How to Feel Safe Enough to Talk Again
You’re not overreacting.
You’re not too sensitive.
And you’re definitely not crazy.
If every conversation with your partner turns into a misunderstanding, a shutdown, or a full-blown argument, it’s not because something is wrong with you—it’s because emotional safety has quietly eroded between you. And without safety, communication breaks down no matter how much love or effort is still there.
This isn’t about fixing you—or your partner. It’s about understanding what’s really going on beneath the surface of those painful conversations and learning how to reconnect with care, clarity, and emotional security.
If you’re looking for couples counseling in Montclair this guide can help you understand why things feel so hard—and how they can begin to feel safe again.
Visual metaphor of tangled threads representing the conflict cycle in relationships before couples therapy Montclair NJ
What Disconnection Really Feels Like (And Why It’s Not Your Fault)
When couples feel disconnected, even small moments can feel unbearably heavy:
You ask a question and get a cold response.
You try to bring up an issue and suddenly you’re in a full-blown argument.
You feel invisible. Unheard. Like you're on different emotional planets.
That pain isn’t “too much.” It’s your body responding to a perceived threat in the relationship. When we feel emotionally unsafe—like we’re not being seen, valued, or prioritized—our nervous system kicks into high alert. It makes sense: as humans, we’re wired for emotional connection. When we don’t feel it, we panic inside.
“Love is not the icing on the cake of life. It is a basic primary need, like oxygen or water.”
— Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
When the emotional bond feels shaky, our brains treat it like danger. That’s why your reactions in conflict might feel so intense—it’s not just about this moment. It’s about needing reassurance that you matter and that you’re not alone.
In fact, research shows that emotional rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain, underscoring how deeply we experience disconnection (Eisenberger, Lieberman, & Williams, 2003).
Why You Keep Arguing About “Nothing”
If you keep having the same argument over and over—with different details but the same painful ending—you’re not alone.
Many couples I see in my Montclair couples therapy practice say things like:
“We fight about the dishes, but it feels way bigger than that.”
“One minute we’re fine, the next it’s like a landmine went off.”
“We never really get anywhere—we just get stuck.”
That’s because these arguments aren’t really about dishes, weekends, or phone use. Those are just surface-level triggers. Beneath the frustration is a deeper need to feel seen, heard, and emotionally connected.
When those needs go unmet or unspoken, small irritations become emotional flashpoints. A sigh can feel like rejection. A missed text can feel like abandonment. And suddenly, you’re both on defense.
The Disconnection Cycle: What It Looks Like in Real Life
One of the most common dynamics I see in couples counseling in Montclair is the “pursuer-withdrawer” cycle. Here’s how it tends to show up:
Couple looking upset and overwhelmed | reflecting common challenges addressed in Montclair couples therapy
One partner (usually the pursuer) pushes for connection or resolution. They may raise concerns or escalate emotionally to be heard.
The other partner (typically the withdrawer) feels overwhelmed or criticized and shuts down to avoid conflict.
The more one pushes, the more the other pulls away.
This becomes a painful feedback loop where both partners feel misunderstood and alone.
Here’s the important truth: neither of you is the problem. The real issue is the cycle you’re both caught in.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps you name this dynamic and work together to shift it. Once couples start seeing the cycle as the enemy—not each other—everything begins to change.
What Is Emotional Safety—And Why Is It So Crucial?
Before any real communication can happen, there has to be emotional safety.
Emotional safety is what allows you to say:
“That hurt me,” without fearing rejection.
“I miss you,” without feeling needy.
“I’m scared,” without being dismissed.
Without that safety, we default to protection mode—defensiveness, sarcasm, shutdown, or anger. But when safety is present, we can slow down, tune in, and truly listen to one another.
To rebuild emotional safety, couples need to:
Listen to understand, not to defend.
Validate each other’s feelings, even if you don’t agree.
Repair after conflict, instead of pretending it didn’t happen.
Even small moments of emotional responsiveness—like “I hear you,” or “I didn’t know that hurt you”—can begin to shift the dynamic.
How EFT Helps You Talk Again—From a Place of Connection
Couple Holding hands | Symbolizing healing and emotional Safety| Montclair couples therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy is a powerful, research-backed approach that helps couples move from conflict to connection by focusing on the emotions that drive disconnection.
In EFT couples therapy, you’ll learn to:
Identify your cycle and understand how both of you contribute to it.
Access and express vulnerable emotions like fear, sadness, or longing.
Respond to each other with empathy rather than defensiveness.
Build a new interaction pattern grounded in emotional safety and responsiveness.
EFT has one of the highest success rates of any couples therapy model. Research shows that about 75% of couples move from distress to recovery, and 90% show significant improvements in their relationship (Johnson et al., 1999).
Unlike approaches that only focus on communication tips, EFT gets to the root: the emotional bond between you. It helps create the kind of relationship where real, healing conversations can finally happen.
You’re Not the Problem. The Disconnection Is.
It’s easy to think that the problem is you, or your partner, or that your relationship is just too far gone. But most of the time, the real issue is the painful cycle you’ve been stuck in.
When emotional safety is restored, everything shifts:
You feel seen and understood.
You hear each other—not just the words, but the feelings underneath.
You begin turning toward each other instead of away in hard moments.
You’re not broken. You’re just disconnected. And with the right support, you can reconnect in a way that feels honest, safe, and deeply loving.
Looking for Couples Therapy in Montclair, NJ?
Whether you’re navigating long-term disconnection or just feeling stuck after one too many miscommunications, support is available. I specialize in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy that helps you and your partner reconnect from the inside out.In-person sessions are available in Montclair, or you can meet virtually from anywhere in New Jersey.
Learn more about Couples Counseling in Montclair
Portrait of Stevette Heyliger, providing compassionate couples therapy in Montclair, NJ
Stevette Heyliger, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Montclair, NJ, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals. Deeply committed to helping people heal disconnection and build emotionally safe, loving relationships, Stevette supports clients in breaking painful cycles, repairing trust, and fostering secure emotional bonds.
In addition to weekly therapy sessions, Stevette offers 2–3 day private Couples Intensives—a focused, in-depth experience for partners who want to dive deeper, faster. These intensives are ideal for couples in crisis, those with limited time for weekly sessions, or anyone seeking a meaningful relationship reset.
Whether you're seeking couples counseling in Montclair or virtual therapy anywhere in New Jersey, Stevette provides a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where both partners can feel seen and supported. She is also a founding member of the Caribbean EFT Community, working to expand access to EFT throughout the Caribbean.
You can learn more about her services or schedule a complimentary consultation here.