If you’ve ever gone quiet in the middle of an argument with your partner, you’re not alone. Many people describe a sense of “hitting a wall” during heated moments. The words stop flowing, your mind feels blank, and you may want nothing more than to escape. While your partner may experience this as indifference, in reality, shutting down is often a deeply protective strategy.

As Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), writes: “In moments of disconnection, our nervous system responds as if we are facing a threat. We protest or we withdraw to protect ourselves.”

Shutting down is not rejection; it’s protection.

Couple whose partner is emotionally “shut down.” | reflective of couples before marriage counseling NJ | Stevette Heyliger, LPC Couples Therapy Montclair

The Hidden Fears Behind Stonewalling

Stonewalling in marriage is rarely about not caring. More often, it reflects fears of:

Conflict spiraling out of control. If you grew up in a household where conflict was loud or unsafe, your body may instinctively avoid it.
Making things worse. Some partners fear saying the wrong thing, so silence feels safer.
Feeling inadequate. If you believe you’ll never be able to meet your partner’s needs, retreat can feel like the only option.
Being emotionally overwhelmed. Your nervous system may literally shut down to protect you from the stress of the moment.

I see this often in my marriage counseling NJ practice. One partner may retreat when overwhelmed, while the other grows louder, desperate for connection. Both are hurting, yet their strategies clash and reinforce disconnection.

Why Silence Hurts

While silence may feel protective to the one shutting down, it often feels like abandonment to the partner reaching out. I’ve heard countless partners say: “When you go quiet, I feel like I don’t matter.”

This mismatch, protection on one side, rejection on the other, is where couples get stuck. Over time, it becomes a cycle: one partner pursues harder, the other withdraws further.

In couples therapy, Montclair, NJ, we refer to this as the pursue-withdraw cycle. And the good news? It’s not permanent.

What’s Really Happening in the Body

From a nervous system perspective, shutting down is connected to the “freeze” or “shut down” response. When the brain perceives threat, whether it’s yelling, criticism, or even a partner’s frustration, it flips into self-protection.

I often tell clients: your body is not betraying you; it’s trying to help. But over time, the cost is emotional distance.

How Couples Can Begin to Repair

Here are a few ways I help couples begin to shift this pattern:

1. Name the Shutdown

The first step is simply noticing when it happens. Saying, “I feel myself pulling away right now,” brings awareness and breaks the silence barrier.

2. Slow Down the Conversation

When arguments escalate quickly, pausing helps regulate emotions. In session, I often encourage couples to take a breath together before continuing.

3. Explore What’s Beneath the Silence

This is where the deeper work happens. Beneath the shutdown is usually fear, sadness, or longing. Therapy creates a safe space to uncover these hidden emotions.

4. Reassure Each Other

Instead of interpreting silence as rejection, partners can learn to say: “I see that you’re overwhelmed. I’m still here.” That small shift begins to restore connection.

A Story From My Practice

One couple I worked with described the husband’s silence as “a wall.” Whenever his wife raised concerns, he shut down completely. She felt invisible and unimportant.

In our sessions, he shared that silence was the only way he knew how to cope with overwhelming conflict. Growing up, anger in his home often exploded into shouting matches. For him, shutting down was a form of protection.

When his wife heard this, she softened. She realized his silence wasn’t about rejecting her, but about his fear of conflict. Together, we explored new ways for him to signal when he was overwhelmed, and for her to reach him without escalating the situation. Slowly, the wall began to come down.

As Sue Johnson reminds us: “Every protest is a cry for connection, and every withdrawal is an attempt to find safety.”

When to Seek Support

If shutting down in arguments has become a pattern in your relationship, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Couples therapy provides a safe and structured space to explore the fears beneath silence and learn new ways to stay connected, even during conflict.

Research consistently shows that emotionally focused therapy helps couples reduce conflict and deepen connection (source).

Through my marriage counseling NJ practice, I’ve seen couples move from silence and disconnection into a place of openness, responsiveness, and trust. It takes courage, but the reward is a stronger, more resilient bond.

Finding the Right Path Forward

Shutting down during an argument is not the end of the story. It’s a signal that something in the conversation feels overwhelming or unsafe. With compassion, awareness, and support, couples can transform moments of shutdown into opportunities for healing and closeness.

For some, weekly couples therapy offers the steady support necessary to start changing this pattern. Others may benefit from a deeper dive through Couples Retreat Intensives, where we spend concentrated time untangling negative cycles and building new ways of connecting. For those feeling uncertain about the future of their relationship, Discernment Counseling provides a safe space to gain clarity before making significant decisions.

Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today to explore whether weekly marriage counseling in NJ or a couples therapy intensive in Montclair NJ is the right fit for you.

schedule your 15 min consultation today

Image of compassionate Therapist | Offering Marriage Counseling in NJ | Stevette Heyliger, LPC

Stevette Heyliger, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Montclair, NJ, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals. Deeply committed to helping people heal disconnection and build emotionally safe, loving relationships, Stevette supports clients in breaking painful cycles, repairing trust, and fostering secure emotional bonds.

In addition to weekly therapy sessions, Stevette offers 3-day private Couples Intensives—a focused, in-depth experience for partners who want to dive deeper, faster. These intensives are ideal for couples in crisis, those with limited time for weekly sessions, or anyone seeking a meaningful relationship reset.

Whether you're seeking Marriage Counseling in NJ or virtual therapy anywhere in New Jersey, Stevette provides a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where both partners can feel seen and supported. She is also a founding member of the Caribbean EFT Community, working to expand access to EFT throughout the Caribbean.

You can learn more about her services or schedule a complimentary consultation here.