Image of anxiously attached woman |Prior to marriage counseling NJ | Stevette Heyliger LPC

It starts small: a delayed reply, a distracted look, an offhand comment.
Your body reacts before your brain does. Suddenly, you’re tense, your thoughts spiral, and you’re saying things you don’t mean, all in the hope of feeling close again.

If this sounds familiar, take a breath. What you’re experiencing isn’t necessarily clinical anxiety. It’s often a form of relationship anxiety, an emotional alarm that says, “I’m scared of losing connection.”

In my work with couples, I see this kind of anxiety all the time. It’s not a diagnosis; it’s a protective response that shows up when closeness feels uncertain. When we learn to listen to that signal with compassion, something beautiful happens: we stop fighting the anxiety and start finding each other again.

Understanding Relationship Anxiety Through an Attachment Lens

Relationship anxiety is different from generalized anxiety. It’s not about work, money, or the unknown; it’s about emotional safety and belonging.
When you care deeply, your nervous system becomes finely tuned to signs of distance. You might reach out more, question what’s wrong, or overanalyze every silence not because you’re needy, but because your body is wired for connection.

“Anxiety doesn’t ruin relationships; silence and misunderstanding do.”

This is what therapists often call anxious attachment energy. It develops when love has felt inconsistent or unpredictable, maybe in childhood, or in past relationships where you had to work hard to be heard.
But your longing for closeness isn’t the problem. The problem is when fear hijacks that longing and turns it into panic or pursuit.

When you can slow down and notice the fear underneath, the tone changes from “Why don’t you care?” to “I need to know we’re okay.”
And that’s where the connection begins.

What Relationship Anxiety Is Really Trying to Tell You

When relationship anxiety takes hold, your body goes into protection mode, scanning for cues of rejection, withdrawal, or disconnection.
You might notice yourself:

Replaying your partner’s tone or timing
Feeling uneasy when texts go unanswered
Wanting reassurance but fearing you’ll sound “too much”
Overexplaining or apologizing to keep the peace

In my couples therapy Montclair NJ sessions, I often help clients see that these behaviors are attempts to stay close and connected. They’re the nervous system’s way of saying, “I can’t relax until I feel connected.”

As Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, reminds us:

“We are not born needing to be perfect; we are born needing to be safe.”

Your anxiety isn’t a flaw. It’s your attachment system calling for comfort.

The Cycle: When Fear Meets Withdrawal

Here’s what often happens in relationships where one partner feels more anxious and the other tends to withdraw:

The anxious partner feels a wave of worry and reaches out sometimes through questions, frustration, or criticism.
The other partner feels pressured or blamed and shuts down to calm the tension.
That silence or withdrawal feels like rejection, and the anxious partner pursues harder.
Both partners end up feeling misunderstood and exhausted.

It’s a painful loop I see often in my marriage counseling NJ sessions.
One partner says, “Please come close so I can feel safe,” while the other says, “Please give me space so I can feel safe.”
When couples begin to see this pattern as a cycle, rather than a personal failure, it becomes possible to soften the fear underneath and reach out to each other again.

Image of woman engaged in self reflection | using tools learned in marriage counseling NJ | Stevette Heyliger, LPC

Soothing the Body Before Reconnecting

Before you can connect with your partner, you must help your body feel safe enough to do so.
Try these steps to regulate and ground yourself in moments of relationship anxiety:

Name the signal, not the story.
When your anxiety spikes, pause and say, “My body feels unsafe right now.” Naming the body’s response interrupts the mental spiral.
Breathe with intention.
Inhale for four counts, exhale for six. Longer exhales cue your parasympathetic nervous system, shifting you from a state of alarm to one of calm.
Ground in your senses.
Feel your feet on the floor. Notice textures, sounds, or temperature. You’re telling your body, “I’m here. I’m safe enough in this moment.”
Share from the inside out.
Instead of “You never listen,” try, “I panic when I can’t reach you. I need to know we’re okay.” Vulnerability opens a connection; accusation closes it.
Respond, don’t react.
When your partner pulls away, remember that their withdrawal may be a form of protection, not rejection. Curiosity builds bridges; judgment builds walls.

How Partners Can Support Each Other Through Relationship Anxiety

Image of couple engaged in open, supportive communication | Supported by couples therapy Montclair, NJ | Stevette Heyliger LPC

If you love someone who experiences relationship anxiety, the best gift you can offer is a steady presence.
You don’t have to fix their feelings, just help their body feel safe again.
Simple phrases like:

“You don’t have to figure it out alone.”
“I can see this is hard for you.”
“I’m not leaving; we’ll get through this together.”

These words soothe the nervous system far more than advice ever could.
As Dr. Sue Johnson says:

“Love is not the icing on the cake of life. It is a basic, primary need — like oxygen.”

When couples learn that anxiety is a signal for connection, not a sign of weakness, empathy replaces frustration. Safety begins to grow.

The Path Back to Connection

Healing relationship anxiety isn’t about silencing emotion; it’s about learning to hear it with compassion.
When you tune into your body’s cues and express your needs softly, you transform anxiety into an invitation for closeness.

If you’re struggling with this pattern, know that you’re not broken, and neither is your love. You’re both learning how to feel safe enough to reach again, one honest moment at a time.

If you’re struggling with anxiety and relationships, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today to explore whether weekly marriage counseling in NJ or a couples therapy intensive in Montclair, NJ is the right fit for you.

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Image of compassionate Therapist | Offering Marriage Counseling in NJ | Stevette Heyliger, LPC

Stevette Heyliger, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Montclair, NJ, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Brainspotting (BSP) for couples and individuals. She helps clients heal from disconnection, process trauma, and build emotionally safe and loving relationships.

In addition to weekly sessions, Stevette offers 3-day private Couples Intensives and Brainspotting Intensives—focused, in-depth experiences for more profound healing and connection. Whether you’re seeking Marriage Counseling in NJ or Couples Therapy in Montclair, NJ, Stevette provides a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where both partners and individuals can feel seen, supported, and understood.