Strength, Survival, and Vulnerability: Reflections on the Black Experience in Relationships

Black History Month Reflection

For many Black individuals and families, strength was never just a virtue. It was a necessity. Emotional restraint, self-reliance, and endurance were shaped by history, culture, and the need to survive in environments that were not always safe.

Over time, those lessons didn’t disappear. They showed up quietly in how we learned to manage emotions, relate to others, and protect ourselves in close relationships.

Some people don’t struggle because they’re fragile. They struggle because they’ve been strong for a very long time.

They know how to manage themselves, contain their emotions, and keep going even when things feel heavy. Others often see them as capable, grounded, and resilient. In many ways, this is true.

What’s harder to see is how exhausting that kind of strength can become, especially in close relationships.

You might care deeply about connection and still pull back when emotions rise. You might notice anxiety as closeness increases or a tendency to shut down during conflict. This is not because you don’t want intimacy. It is because vulnerability does not come naturally when you have spent years relying on self-control.

This can be confusing. On the outside, life may look stable. Responsibilities are handled. There’s no obvious crisis. And yet, something feels just out of reach emotionally.

For many people within the Black experience, strength wasn’t a personality trait.
It was a response to what was required.

You learned early how to stay composed. How not to need too much. How to manage feelings privately. Those skills likely helped you survive difficult environments, take care of others, or move forward without falling apart. They may have even been praised.

But relationships ask for something different.

They ask for emotional risk. For letting yourself be seen when you’re unsure, afraid, or tender. And when your system has learned that safety comes from restraint, closeness can bring anxiety rather than comfort.

This doesn’t mean you’re doing relationships wrong.
It means you’re using old skills in a new context.

Many people describe this as feeling emotionally distant or disconnected, even when love is present. For others, it shows up as anxiety in relationships, including overthinking, bracing for disappointment, or pulling away without fully understanding why..

What’s important to know is that this isn’t a failure of insight or effort. You can understand your patterns and still feel stuck in them. Emotional responses don’t change simply because we explain them; they shift when we experience something different in real time.

When therapy is helpful, it is not about undoing your strength or forcing vulnerability before you are ready. It is about creating enough safety to notice what happens inside you when closeness appears and learning how to stay present with that experience rather than shutting it down or managing it away.

This kind of work is often quiet. It doesn’t require reliving the past or labeling yourself as broken. It’s more about expanding your capacity so strength can coexist with softness, and independence can make room for connection.

If any of this resonates, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.

It may simply mean that parts of you learned to survive in ways that didn’t leave much room for vulnerability, and those parts are still doing their job. Growth, in this case, isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about allowing yourself to feel a little more, without losing yourself in the process.

As we honor Black History Month, this reflection is not about diminishing strength. It is about recognizing where it came from, what it cost, and how it continues to shape our relationships today.

Not all change is dramatic.
Sometimes it’s subtle.
Sometimes it’s simply learning how to stay when closeness shows up.

What did strength cost you, and what might it make possible now?

If this resonates, you’re not alone, and support is available.

If you’re curious about working together, you can learn more about my therapy services by scheduling a 15 min consultation with me.