As a couples therapist in Montclair, NJ, I’ve sat with countless partners who were nervous about taking that very first step toward getting help. Often, by the time they find me, one partner has been quietly thinking about counseling for months, sometimes years, while the other feels blindsided by the idea.

If you’re here, chances are you’ve been feeling the weight of disconnection, repeated arguments, or a slow drift apart. You might believe that marriage counseling NJ could help, but you’re unsure how to bring it up without triggering defensiveness, withdrawal, or fear.

I want you to know: you’re not alone in this. And there’s a way to approach this conversation that increases your chances of your partner being open, rather than shutting down.

"Love is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing, and misreading cues, and, most importantly, repairing." — Dr. Sue Johnson.

Why the Conversation Feels So Hard

In my 15+ years of working with couples, one of the most common fears I hear is: “If I bring up therapy, they’ll think something is wrong with us.”

And let’s be honest—many of us weren’t raised in environments where asking for help was normalized. Therapy can still carry unnecessary stigma. Partners sometimes interpret the suggestion as a sign that the relationship is failing, rather than an investment in making it stronger.

That’s why the way you frame the conversation matters so much. You’re not inviting them to sit on a couch and dissect every flaw—they’re being asked to explore new ways of communicating, understanding each other, and feeling more connected.

In fact, research from The American Psychological Association shows that couples counseling is most effective when sought early—before resentment builds to the point of emotional shutdown.

Start With Your Intention, Not Their Behavior

When a client tells me they want to bring up counseling with their partner, my first question is: “What’s the heart of your request?”

If your goal is to “get them to change,” they’ll feel it—and likely resist. But if your goal is to create a stronger bond, communicate better, and feel more secure together, that intention changes everything.

Instead of:

“You never listen to me—we need therapy.”

Try:

“I love you, and I want us to have the best relationship possible. I think working with someone could help us both feel more understood.”

Notice the difference? One focuses on criticism; the other focuses on connection.

Pick the Right Moment

In emotionally focused therapy (EFT), timing and emotional safety are everything. Bringing up counseling in the middle of a fight is like trying to have a deep conversation in the middle of a hurricane—it’s not going to land well.

Instead:

Choose a calm, private setting
Make sure neither of you is rushed
Begin with appreciation for what’s working in your relationship before sharing your hopes for improvement

I often tell couples in my couples therapy Montclair NJ practice: You don’t start a difficult conversation when you’re both in survival mode. You start it when you’re both in listening mode.

Use “We” Language to Build Buy-In

Framing matters. Couples respond better when therapy is presented as a shared journey rather than a finger-pointing exercise.

Here’s an example from my practice:
One couple I worked with had been struggling with constant miscommunication. The wife had been asking for counseling for over a year, but her husband avoided the conversation because he thought it meant she was unhappy with him. When she shifted her language from “You don’t know how to communicate” to “I want us to learn how to communicate better together”, he softened. Within weeks, they were sitting in my office, doing the work together.

Be Clear That It’s Not a Sign of Failure

Sometimes, I share this truth with hesitant partners in our first session:

"The best time to work on a marriage is when it’s still strong enough to make changes."

Couples counseling is not a last resort. It’s a tune-up. Just as you’d get an oil change before your car breaks down, you can invest in your relationship before emotional disconnection becomes overwhelming.

This is a mindset shift I encourage all my clients to make: Healthy couples get help early.

If They’re Not Ready—Start Alone

One of the biggest misconceptions about marriage counseling NJ is that both partners have to attend from the start. The truth? I work with many individuals who come in on their own to work through relationship patterns, strengthen communication skills, and understand their attachment style.

When one partner grows, it often shifts the dynamic for both. In some cases, the other partner becomes more open to joining once they see the benefits.

I’ve seen it happen dozens of times: a client starts individual relationship work, learns to express needs more clearly, and before long, their partner is curious enough to join.

Present Options Beyond Weekly Sessions

Some couples are hesitant about the idea of committing to months of weekly counseling. That’s where couples intensives come in. In my practice, I offer half-day, full-day, and multi-day intensives that allow us to dig deep into the core issues without the stop-and-start of weekly sessions.

These focused sessions are especially effective for couples who:

Are in high distress and want faster progress
Have demanding schedules
Are navigating big decisions (marriage, separation, moving)

If you’re curious about these options, you can learn more on my Marriage Counseling page.

Draw on Trusted Resources

Sometimes, sharing credible information helps your partner feel more comfortable. I often point couples toward ICEEFT, the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which offers research and resources showing the effectiveness of EFT in helping couples build lasting bonds.

Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT, reminds us:

"We are never so vulnerable as when we love."

Inviting your partner to counseling is essentially inviting them to vulnerability—but in the safety of a guided, supportive space.

Your Courage Matters

If you’ve read this far, you already have something important: the courage to imagine a better way forward. Talking to your partner about couples counseling can feel risky, but it’s a profound act of love and commitment.

Whether you start together or begin on your own, you’re sending the message: “Our relationship matters enough to invest in.”

Final Invitation

If you and your partner are ready, or even if one of you is on the fence, I’d love to talk about how couples therapy Montclair NJ can help you create the connection you both long for. You don’t have to wait for a crisis to take that first step.

Let’s start the conversation. Your relationship is worth it.

Stevette Heyliger, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Montclair, NJ, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals. Deeply committed to helping people heal disconnection and build emotionally safe, loving relationships, Stevette supports clients in breaking painful cycles, repairing trust, and fostering secure emotional bonds.

In addition to weekly therapy sessions, Stevette offers 3-day private Couples Intensives—a focused, in-depth experience for partners who want to dive deeper, faster. These intensives are ideal for couples in crisis, those with limited time for weekly sessions, or anyone seeking a meaningful relationship reset.

Whether you're seeking Marriage Counseling in NJ or virtual therapy anywhere in New Jersey, Stevette provides a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where both partners can feel seen and supported. She is also a founding member of the Caribbean EFT Community, working to expand access to EFT throughout the Caribbean.

You can learn more about her services or schedule a complimentary consultation here.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Couples Counseling (Even If They’re Hesitant)