How to Break Free from “Repeating the Same Relationship in Different Bodies”
Why we keep attracting the same dynamic and how to finally choose something different.
As a couples therapist who’s spent years helping people heal emotional disconnection, I’ve witnessed one powerful truth over and over again—not just in marriages, but in dating, family, and even long-term friendships:
You think the dynamic is new. But a few weeks or months in, it starts to feel oddly familiar.
Maybe it’s a partner who pulls away emotionally. A friend who needs you to constantly carry the emotional weight. A parent who still can’t meet you where you are, no matter how much you try.
At first, you tell yourself:
“This time is different.”
But soon you’re asking:
“How did I end up here again?”
If you’ve ever felt like you’re reliving the same relationship in different bodies, you’re not imagining it, and you’re not alone.
This isn’t about failing.
It’s about an unconscious attachment pattern trying to work itself out.
The Attachment Reenactment Loop: Why We Repeat
We like to believe that our choices in relationships are logical or deliberate. But they’re often deeply unconscious and shaped by our earliest experiences of love and safety.
As Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), says:
“Love is not the icing on the cake of life; it is a basic, primary need.”
When love felt conditional, chaotic, neglectful, or unavailable in childhood, we tend to seek out familiar dynamics. Not because they’re good for us but because they’re what our nervous systems recognize as normal.
In EFT, we understand this as attachment reenactment: the unconscious pull to repeat the emotional experiences of the past, hoping for a different outcome.
But that “pull” can be misleading. It can lead us back into relationships where we feel invisible, overburdened, anxious, or emotionally starved, even if the faces change.
It’s Not Just Romantic
Although I’ve long specialized in marriage counseling NJ and offer couples therapy Montclair NJ, I’ve found that these patterns show up long before a wedding day and often outside of romantic partnerships entirely.
I’ve seen:
Adults stuck in lifelong cycles of rejection or guilt with a parent
Friends who replay childhood roles of caretaker or peacekeeper
Clients haunted by breakups or estrangements that feel unfinished
Helpers and over-functioners who attract emotionally dependent people in every area of life
This is not about blame, it’s about recognition. These patterns repeat because they’re familiar survival strategies.
Signs You’re Repeating a Relational Pattern
Here are some signs you may be living out an emotional loop:
You always feel like the giver, fixer, or emotional manager in your relationships
You feel unseen, smothered, or rejected no matter how hard you try
You withdraw to avoid conflict or over-communicate to prevent abandonment
You keep ending up in relationships (romantic or not) where your needs don’t matter
You long for closeness but feel uneasy when it starts to happen
When I notice these patterns in my clients, whether they come for couples work or individual intensives, I often gently ask:
“Does this dynamic feel familiar? When have you felt this way before?”
The answers often lead back to early attachment experiences that were never named, processed, or grieved.
Why Familiar Hurts—but Still Feels Like “Home”
I remember a time in my own life when I kept finding myself in relationships where I was the strong one, the capable one, the one who held everything together. It took time (and therapy) to see how those patterns mirrored what I’d learned growing up: that love meant over-functioning and invisibility.
The people may have changed, but the feeling was the same: emotionally alone, even when I wasn’t physically alone.
We’re drawn to what we know. Not because it’s healthy but because it’s wired in.
Our nervous systems associate “familiar” with “safe,” even if it hurts.
How to Break the Cycle: 5 Compassionate Steps
Breaking free doesn’t mean blaming your past; it means reclaiming your present.
1. Name the Pattern
Reflect on your closest relationships, past and present. What roles do you tend to play? What are the emotional outcomes you expect? What do you overcompensate for?
Awareness is the first, and most powerful, interruption.
2. Understand Your Attachment Style
Whether you lean more anxious, avoidant, or swing between both, knowing your attachment style helps you pause and reflect instead of reacting from old scripts.
(Here’s a helpful article that explains the basics.)
3. Track Your Emotional Reflexes
Start noticing what happens when someone gets emotionally close or pulls away.
Does your body tighten?
Do you shut down or start overexplaining?
These reactions aren’t flaws they’re messages.
4. Choose Safety Over Spark
The thrill of unpredictability often masks a deeper fear of abandonment or engulfment.
Real connection might feel calm. Boring, even. But it’s the kind of “boring” that lets you rest.
As Sue Johnson reminds us:
“When we are emotionally accessible and responsive to our partners, we build a safe haven.”
You deserve a haven, not a high-stakes performance.
5. Do the Work in Real Time—Not Just in Your Head
This work isn’t just about insights. It’s about learning, in your body, that connection can feel safe again.
That’s where therapy, especially experiential therapy, can help.
In my private intensives and trauma-informed relational work, we go beyond talk and into the heart of your relational patterns. This isn’t just about fixing a marriage; it’s about helping people break the cycle of emotional loneliness.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
It looks like grief. Letting go of the fantasy that you could earn love by doing more.
It looks like new choices. Saying no to old roles, even when they feel easier than being seen.
It looks like discomfort. Sitting with emotional safety long enough for it to become familiar.
It looks like wholeness. Choosing people and relationships that nourish you and learning how to nourish yourself.
How I Can Support You
Whether you’re in a long-term partnership or struggling with loneliness in your family or friendships, I offer a unique model of support that helps you move from emotional survival to secure connection.
Here’s what I offer:
Couples Therapy Intensives
For partners stuck in cycles of disconnection. A powerful, focused alternative to weekly sessions.Relational Therapy for Individuals
For people carrying emotional wounds from past or present relationships.Attachment-Based Therapy for Emotional Burnout
For helpers, feelers, and over-functioners who want to stop “doing” and start feeling safe.
Final Thoughts
If you’re tired of circling the same emotional loop…
If your relationships leave you feeling more alone than connected…
If you're longing to feel secure, known, and valued in the relationships that matter to you...
You’re not broken.
You’re repeating what once kept you safe.
But now, it’s time to choose differently.
And I’d be honored to walk with you as you do.
“The best thing we can do for our relationships is to show up fully present, emotionally responsive, and willing to let love in.” —Dr. Sue Johnson
Ready to Learn More?
If you’re looking for a marriage retreat in New Jersey or a private couples therapy intensive, I’d love to support you.
You can:
Reach out directly to explore if this format is a fit for you and your partner
Let’s create the space your relationship needs to reconnect, repair, and rise stronger together.
Stevette Heyliger, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Montclair, NJ, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals. Deeply committed to helping people heal disconnection and build emotionally safe, loving relationships, Stevette supports clients in breaking painful cycles, repairing trust, and fostering secure emotional bonds.
In addition to weekly therapy sessions, Stevette offers 3-day private Couples Intensives—a focused, in-depth experience for partners who want to dive deeper, faster. These intensives are ideal for couples in crisis, those with limited time for weekly sessions, or anyone seeking a meaningful relationship reset.
Whether you're seeking Marriage Counseling in NJ or virtual therapy anywhere in New Jersey, Stevette provides a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where both partners can feel seen and supported. She is also a founding member of the Caribbean EFT Community, working to expand access to EFT throughout the Caribbean.
You can learn more about her services or schedule a complimentary consultation here.