How Attachment Styles Create (or Complicate) Connection in Your Relationship
As a couples therapist offering marriage counseling in NJ and couples therapy in Montclair, NJ, I often see how early experiences with caregivers influence how we connect with our partners later in life. These experiences shape our relationship habits, whether we tend to worry, avoid intimacy, behave unpredictably, or feel secure. These patterns can feel like an invisible script that affects how we act in relationships, especially when we're stressed.
If you’ve ever wondered, "Why do I shut down when my partner wants to talk?" or "Why do I feel panicked when they pull away?" you’re not alone. These reactions are often influenced by our past experiences with how we were cared for. While these patterns can make things more challenging, they are not set in stone. With the right support, couples can gain a deeper understanding of each other and develop a sense of safety and trust in their relationship.
What Is Attachment Style, and Why Does It Matter?
Attachment theory, developed by researchers John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, describes how our early relationships with caregivers shape our expectations of love, support, and closeness. As adults, these expectations show up in our romantic relationships, especially when we're stressed or feeling vulnerable.
When you and your partner are caught in a repeated conflict, where one of you pursues and the other pulls away, it’s often attachment that’s at play underneath.
The Four Main Attachment Styles in Relationships
Let’s break this down in a simple, relatable way.
Image of woman checking her phone representing anxious attachment | Marriage counseling in NJ helps couples for secure connections | Stevette Heyliger, LPC
1. Anxious Attachment
People with an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment. They might:
Need frequent reassurance
Become preoccupied with their partner’s moods or availability
Feel easily hurt or rejected
These clients often say things like, “I feel like I’m too much,” or “I just want to feel close, but it always pushes my partner away.”
2. Avoidant Attachment
Avoidantly attached partners fear losing independence or being overwhelmed. They might:
Pull away when things get emotional
Struggle to express needs
Prefer to solve problems alone
They tend to say, “I don’t like conflict,” or “When things get intense, I just need space.”
3. Disorganized Attachment
People with disorganized attachment often have experienced trauma, loss, or inconsistent caregiving. They might:
Crave closeness but fear it at the same time
Switch between anxious and avoidant responses
Feel confused or overwhelmed in intimate relationships
They often say, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” or “I want love, but I don’t trust it.”
This attachment style can be particularly painful and bewildering for both partners, but it’s also one that can be understood and supported with consistency and care.
4. Secure Attachment
Securely attached individuals can ask for what they need and offer support without fear of rejection or smothering. They tend to:
• Handle conflict with curiosity
• Express needs directly
• Offer comfort and reassurance easily
The good news? With greater awareness and emotional safety, couples can move toward more secure ways of relating, even if neither partner started out that way.
How Attachment Styles Complicate Connection
In my work with couples therapy in Montclair, NJ, I often see a common pattern: one partner reaches out in distress (the anxious partner) and the other pulls away (the avoidant partner). This push-pull dynamic can feel exhausting and heartbreaking.
Image of distressed couple with insecure attachment | Prior to couples therapy, Montclair NJ | Stevette Heyliger, LPC
I recently worked with a couple where this dynamic showed up clearly. She would often get louder and more insistent when she felt shut out, saying things like, “It’s like I’m talking, but no one’s listening.” Meanwhile, he’d withdraw when emotions ran high, telling me, “When she gets upset, I feel like I’m going to say the wrong thing, so I just go quiet.”
They were stuck in a painful loop, each person reacting in ways that made the other feel more alone. What they both wanted, deep down, was to feel close and understood.
In therapy, we focus less on who’s “right” and more on what’s happening beneath the surface. What’s the fear, the longing, the emotional signal behind the reaction? Once couples slow down and understand this layer, new possibilities open up for connection.
What You Can Do
Learn your attachment style. A good starting point is The Attachment Project, which offers a free quiz and helpful resources.
Get curious, not critical. Ask, “What’s really happening for me when I pull away or panic?”
Practice small emotional risks. Naming your feelings is a powerful step: “I feel sad,” “I miss you,” or “I’m scared.”
Seek help. A compassionate therapist can help you understand your patterns and create a safer, more connected relationship.
Moving Toward Closer Connections
Your attachment style isn’t a life sentence; it’s a reflection of past experiences. But love is about what we co-create in the present.
In my marriage counseling NJ practice, I’ve seen couples go from distant to deeply connected, not because they learned to argue better, but because they learned to tune into each other’s emotions and make each other feel safe.
If you’re tired of repeating the same painful dance in your relationship, I invite you to reach out. You can learn more about working with me on my marriage counseling page.
Let’s help you feel close again.
Ready to Begin Couples Counseling in Montclair, NJ?
You deserve a relationship where you feel seen, heard, and valued.
If you’re ready to explore how Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in NJ can help you build a stronger, more connected marriage, I invite you to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation.
Click here to schedule your free consult and take the first step toward healing.
Image of compassionate Therapist | Offering Marriage Counseling in NJ | Stevette Heyliger, LPC
Stevette Heyliger, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Montclair, NJ, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals. Deeply committed to helping people heal disconnection and build emotionally safe, loving relationships, Stevette supports clients in breaking painful cycles, repairing trust, and fostering secure emotional bonds.
In addition to weekly therapy sessions, Stevette offers 3-day private Couples Intensives—a focused, in-depth experience for partners who want to dive deeper, faster. These intensives are ideal for couples in crisis, those with limited time for weekly sessions, or anyone seeking a meaningful relationship reset.
Whether you're seeking Marriage Counseling in NJ or virtual therapy anywhere in New Jersey, Stevette provides a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where both partners can feel seen and supported. She is also a founding member of the Caribbean EFT Community, working to expand access to EFT throughout the Caribbean.
You can learn more about her services or schedule a complimentary consultation here.